one in four

Today is October 15. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day where mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and all those affected by the loss of a baby taken either before birth or shortly after, can remember. Can grieve. Can think “what if?”, can ask “but why?”

When in reality, every day a mother will remember. Will grieve. Will think, “what if” and ask “but why?”

Our first child would have turned 11 this year.

I remember the whirlwind of it all. The nervous excitement, the excited phone call to my husband, to my mom, then to my best friend (who was also expecting), the anticipation… only to be followed shortly after with fear, panic, and a grief I had never known before. We lost our baby very early on, between 6 and 10 weeks of being pregnant. But it didn’t soften the blow.

That child was ours. That child was wanted. That child was prayed for. A few weeks before the positive pregnancy test, my doctor wanted to send me for tests to find out why we weren’t conceiving. I said no. I was convinced that everything was okay, and we decided to wait on God. And God answered. Not in the way we had prayed, but in the way that He saw best.

He answered in a big way. Yes, we were able to have children. But no, not yet. We weren’t ready. And He knew that was true, even if we didn’t know it at the time.

But sometimes I still doubt whether His decision was best.

When I see my 11 year old niece in grade 6 and think there is a best cousin/friend that she is missing and she doesn’t know it. When I look at my 9 year old daughter and she asks questions that would be so wonderfully answered by a knowledgeable, older sibling that could understand and empathize with her like only an older sibling can.

When I look within and realize even with 3 children here on earth, there is always a part of my heart that is missing because it has already gone to Heaven to be with our child.

But God knew the pain we would go through. He knew we needed it. He knew it would make us appreciate the 3 children that our doctor said would probably never happen. Because with that child that I never got to hold, He gave me the hope and conviction that one day, I would hold a child of our own. And we would know love like we never knew possible. And we would depend on Him like we never knew we should.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Prov 3:5).

Trust in Him. He knows what’s best for me.

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

He brought me down in grief, but joy did come. Three-fold. Three blessings that we never expected or deserve.

Do I fully understand it? No, not yet. But I will. Just not in this life.